


Shadow Boy

by redchanks



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Bullying, Homophobic Language, I was young and ignorant when I wrote this, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Past Relationship(s), Plot Twists, Slurs, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-30
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-02-23 07:16:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2539049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redchanks/pseuds/redchanks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel Milton is the new kid, just like always. However, the thoughts that plague his mind go beyond popularity and high school; there's a space in his soul that no-one can fill, not even his sister Anna, as he grieves for the life he can barely remember and she for the brother that lost himself so young.<br/>It seems that all that is about to change though, when Dean Winchester magically appears to pick up the remnants of Castiel's broken life. But can Cas really hope to love and live again? Or will his past come back to snatch it away?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“It’ll be okay.”

Castiel Milton had heard those words a thousand different times, mostly from the frustrated lips of counsellors that didn’t give a shit about whether or not those words were actually true. This time, however, the words were said with genuine hope from the one person Castiel knew did care.

That just made it easier to recognize the bullshit.

Anna rolled her soulful eyes in defeat. “You know what I mean, Cassy.” Her voice was desperate and the fingers that graced Castiel’s shoulder pleaded with him. “It won’t be worse. It can’t be.” Castiel knew that it could, but neglected to mention that fact. Loving his sister meant that he had to allow her the luxury of wishful thinking.

That didn’t mean he could stop her crying though.

“Good luck.” She whispered against his forehead, and he felt the tears that clung to her eyelashes fade into his ink-black hair. Silently, Castiel drew back his chair and left. There was nothing new to add to this situation; it had been played out too many times before.

Outside the shabby flat, the broken pavestones wept under his shoes as the weight of everything continued to crush his shoulders. Those slabs had known grief, and pain, and the weariest of souls.

Castiel was in good company.

***

Lingering on the street corner was not entirely safe, Castiel soon realised. Sooner or later, someone would notice him, so he had better make another round of the block, but for once he just wanted to stand still and not feel like he was running away. He drew deep, shuddering breaths into his lungs and realised that this moist, smoke-strewn air was the cleanest that he’d breathed in a long time.

That was just depressing.

Realising that he had stopped for too long, Castiel pushed his head down and took off around the block. _Not too fast_ , he begged his skittering feet. _They’ll notice_. His fingernails dug deeper into his shoulder, punishing his stupidity at forgetting the some of the rules: _Don’t stay still. Don’t draw attention to yourself. And for god’s sake, don’t cry._ Castiel scrubbed away the wetness, cursing himself for the tight, shiny redness he knew would mark him out as ‘that kid.’ To distract himself, he stole a desperate glance at his shattered watch. 74 seconds until the bus arrived.

Perfect timing.

***

Castiel managed to muddle through most of the day without anything disastrous happening. Someone in homeroom sniggered at his name. Someone else scribbled _‘you smell like poor people’_ on his Maths textbook. He ate his lunch in four bites whilst pretending to swap over his books, and then hid in the library, the empty air falling protectively around him. So far, so good. He only had to dart through that hallway once more. Just _once_.

How could he have messed that up?

He feels the impact before he hears it. Books crashing to the floor; his shoulder colliding with something. The force of the slam juddering through his fragile bones faded as he stared into the face of the perpetrator. Ruby Stenning: the cruellest, most vindictive and essentially most popular student in the whole school was standing there, freezing him with pools of brown so dark, they were almost black. Every hair on Castiel’s body stood up as he braced himself for the worst.

Ruby’s eyes narrowed, sadistic pleasure swirling through the irises as she smirked, rolling her tongue across her perfect lips as she passed judgement on him. “Watch it…” she whispered, torturing him with the shivers that echoed and crawled all over his whole being. _“Freak.”_

Castiel waited until Ruby had sashayed fully out of his sight before he bent gingerly to retrieve his books; clouded eyes alert for any possible attackers. Quickly, he hauled a large Physics book into his degenerate arms and reached out for another one.

“Hey, let me help.”

Before he even saw the person in front of him, Castiel knew that when their eyes locked, it would be exactly like one of those schmaltzy teen movies Anna used to watch. All he could think was that this stuff didn’t happen to real people, especially not to him, before he let his gaze spring upwards.

Crouching in front of him was the most glorious creature anyone will ever see.

Lit up by the weak Chicago sun, the almighty being in front of him glowed, but there was more for Castiel to marvel at. Green swirled with gold to form majestic, transcendent eyes, yet the dusting of freckles across his sculpted cheeks grounded him in the present.

Suddenly, Castiel was forced to snap out the stupor of adoration, as the Adonis handed him his book, arching one gorgeous eyebrow.

Realising what he was required to do to seem like a functional human, he spluttered some semblance of thanks **,** along the lines of: “Oh, err…yeah, err-”

“Dean.”

The soul had a name! And what a name it was **:** short, sweet and full of promise, as well as undeniably sexy when breathed from its owner’s impossibly well-formed lips.

Castiel allowed his heart only the tiniest of jitters. “Yeah, thanks. I’m-“

“Castiel Milton.” The sound of his name said in that wonderfully gruff purr made his skin set alight. Almost everyone he’d ever met had tripped over the confusing selection of letters, but Dean made his name seem full, rich and almost _reverent_. Dean leaned closer and the flames traced their way along his spine filling him with an odd desire unlike anything else. It was more than lust, more than fire, but an undeniable knowledge that Castiel would do or be anything on this earth just to see a smile on Dean’s freckled face.“I know who you are, Cas.”

He was gone almost as quickly as he came, leaving his intoxicating cocktail of Lynx deodorant, fabric softener and home-baked apple pie seared in to Cas’ brain cells.

Cas. He liked that name far more than he should.

***

When he was a little boy, before the worst thing happened, Cas had loved Halloween. His parents would take the whole family out trick-or-treating, and Cas, as the youngest, always got the most candy and was trusted with keeping Gabriel’s secret as he snuck out to egg the neighbour’s porch.

There was a photo on Anna’s desk of one Halloween, when everyone was happy. All of them, huddled together with smiles on their face that only come from being truly complete, but the widest smile belonged to a small and chubby Cas, giggling with delight, knowing that he is safe, and loved, and that life is easy. How times had changed since then. After the worst thing, Cas didn’t celebrate holidays. Sure, Anna and Gabriel bought him birthday and Christmas presents, and he tried his best to reciprocate, but nothing was ever the same. How could it be?

So that’s why, on the Halloween after he moved to Chicago, the last thing Cas expected was to go to a party.

Anna was on the night shift at the Hospital, and had left Cas at home. It wasn’t like he was going to go anywhere, and she had Ellen from down the road keeping an eye on the house just in case. Cas was looking forward to a night of wallowing in his memories, not to mention some indie rock and homework. So when he heard the knock on the door, he thought maybe Ellen’s daughter Jo had taken pity on him, or perhaps a late-night Jehovah’s Witness. Instead, Dean Winchester was standing on the cracked front step with zombie make-up on his face and his hands behind his back.

“Hey, Cas.” Dean fidgeted slightly, but his greeting was warm. Cas, meanwhile, was gripping the door tightly, feeling totally lost in the situation.

“Er...hi Dean.” _How very eloquent._ The voice drawled. _You really pushed the boat out with that one._ Dean adjusted his posture again, shifting under Cas’ gaze, which made Cas grip the door even more, grooves slicing into his fingers.

“I was wondering if, er, you, er, you would go, um...” Dean took a quick breath and flashed Cas a small, slightly nervous smile. “I was wondering if you would go to a party with me.”

For several long moments, a thick silence descended around them. “A party?”

“Yeah, I” Dean ducked his head, a tinge of pink dusting his cheeks, “I got you a costume.”

Cas opened his mouth to say no, but his words fell flat as Dean pulled out a pair of huge, curling black wings from their surprisingly effective hiding place and he saw Dean’s expression. It was...hopeful. Cas didn’t want to disappoint Dean because, well, no-one outside his family had seemed to want his company this much before.

10 minutes later, a zombie and an angel were outside The Stenning’s house.

***

It was far too easy. Dean, more confident now, winked his way past a slutty nurse and they were inside the fabled mansion, nicknamed ‘The Kingdom of Hell.’ Cas had been at his school for about 2 months and kept his head down, but he’d still managed to hear all about the crazy shit that went on here.

Here he was, in the middle of it all, an awkward angel dancing with a gorgeous zombie. Dean flirted with everyone there, and though at first it made Cas slightly uncomfortable, he soon realised that this was kind of Dean’s way of saying hello. Even so, whilst Dean was grabbing some drinks, he couldn’t help feeling insecure that maybe this had been a cursory invite.

A strong hand grabbed him from behind, pulling him round with more force than was surely necessary, and Cas found himself nose-to-nose with Alastair Stenning. Fear numbed his brain instantly. He couldn’t think or do anything.

“Hey, freak.” the older boy’s malicious eyes bore into him. “We didn’t invite you.” his soft tone felt wrong, invading Cas with its dark intensity.

“Dean-“ he whimpered, trying to explain, but Alastair cut him off.

“Oh, Dean? Well that’s all right then.” Sarcasm laced Alastair’s voice but he let go of Cas anyway.

As Cas turned to leave, he felt his hand shoved up behind his back and winced in pain. Colliding heavily with the floor, he lifted his face to Alastair’s and felt knuckles connect to his cheek. Warm blood flowed effortlessly from the cut, but Cas couldn’t feel anything. Dean was here. Dean would stop this.

Alistair pulled Cas’ face to his, fingers cutting in to Cas’ neck. “Who’s Dean?” a small, sardonic smile distorted his already-vindictive features. “Is he your boyfwiend...” he mocked, enjoyment skating over his tone. “Well where is he?” he played with Cas like a predator would with prey. “Where is he? Why hasn’t he come to save you?” Alastair leaned closer, drawing out his words to cause Cas as much agony as he felt necessary. “Well?”

“He’s here.” Cas, too was thinking the same thing as Alastair, but was determined not to let it show.

“I don’t think he is, freak.” Alastair eyes grew darker. “There’s your confession, loud and clear. You’re a _fag_.” he spat the last sentence, daring Cas to challenge him, to deny it. Cas felt himself pushed to the floor again, but this time the beating was merciless. He felt it all, no longer able to black out the pain. Sickening cracks echoed through his body as things were torn and bruised and shattered, but Alistair kept going, kept torturing.

“You’re a freak, you little faggot. With your fucking wings and your _Dean_.” his voice was menacingly calm. “Well where is he now? Hey, faggot? Answer me, you little bitch!”

“I don’t know” came the answer, dragged from Cas’ swollen and traitorous lips as he fought for consciousness. “I-I don’t know.”

“He’s not here you little fag.” still Alastair taunted, and still he enacted his wrath. “No-one cares about you.”

Just as quickly as it started, it was over. Cas dropped to the floor, barely able to whimper, yet his eyes fought for a glimpse of the reason for the pain’s end. Alastair lay crumpled across from him, eyes closed, unmoving.

Cas became aware of a voice on the edge of his consciousness, and a black boy with a shaved head crouching over him.

He slipped away, his last thought clouded with the crushing revelation.

Not Dean.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thank you to you guys for reading, I really feel good about this work and I'm glad others do too! I've decided that I'm going to get a chapter up once every 1-2 weeks, though it could always be sooner if inspiration strikes!  
> In regards to this chapter, there's not a whole lot of Dean, and I'm sorry, but he'll feature prominently in the next chapter I promise!  
> Thanks once again to Serena, who gave me a few pointers in the right direction.  
> Also, I didn't mean to make this Cas/Jimmy, but it turned out kind of Cas/Jimmy-y. Let me know what you think.

_“Hey, Castiel?” a small shake roused Castiel from his light slumber. “Castiel?”_

_“Stop it, I’m trying to sleep.” he muttered. “Anna’s orders.”_

_“You know you barely sleep anyway, Castiel.” The boy snuck into the narrow bed besidehis friend, and draped the thin cover over their skinny bodies._

_“Jimmy-” Castiel turned towards his friend, pressing his forehead against the other boy’s. “You know I asked you to stop doing this.”_

_“Get over yourself.” Jimmy waggled his brow suggestively, yet his eyes remained calm, slightly wistful, even. “I’m not trying to seduce you.”_

_Castiel grinned at the old-fashioned language, and so did not widen the gap between them. “I wouldn’t put it past you.” he relaxed into the well-worn joke, comfortable with the easiness of their late-night banter._

_“I know you wouldn’t.” The atmosphere weighed down on them, heavy with things unsaid, that preyed on Jimmy’s mind whilst Castiel’s was left unaware. “It’s story-time, Castiel.”_

_“We haven’t done story-time in a while.” It was their code, a metaphorical tale that was usually easily seen through. They started it a while ago so as to avoid judgement; nowadays they did not need protection from what surely would not come._

_“Could you just not interrupt?” Jimmy turned away and made to rise, but Castiel pulled him down again, and Jimmy, as always, relented._

***

Cas awoke to a raw physical pain resting over his entire body, settling down in his bones and his muscles, but it was only the reason why they were there that could touch his soul. His eyes focused a little; he could see fingers being run through red hair, and a hand clutching a piece of paper.

This small shift as Cas attempted a better look triggered Anna’s attention. “Lie down, Cassy.” she murmured, her voice layered with emotions that she would repress for later. “You got beat up real bad, huh?” her voice cracked as she strained a smile, but she would not look at him. “Gonna need to take it easy for a while.”

Cas stared at her, seeing everything and not commenting. This was the dynamic they’d gotten used to over the years, one of the seemingly endless situations in their lives that played out over and over again but yet could never change. “I guess.” he breathed back.

Turning to Cas but still refusing to meet his eye, Anna said, “Oh, I almost forgot.” in the falsest of tones. “The boy that-” she shuffled uncomfortably, clearly clambering for the correct word. “rescued you. He left you a message. Er,” she scrabbled around for a moment, before passing Cas a slip of paper. “Here.” The atmosphere hung between them for a few endless seconds.

“Thanks.” Cas said with a small, tight nod.

“I’d better get back to work.” Her smile cut through her cheeks, painful and unnecessary. “I’ll come visit you later, ok?” She pressed a quick kiss to his forehead, and furrowed her brow slightly, just for a second, before she was gone.

***

Maybe an hour later, by Cas’ slightly unreliable time-keeping, the boy who wasn’t Dean turned up at the door. “Thanks for giving me a call.” he grinned in a manner that told Cas he’d been counting on it.

“I guess I should be saying thanks.” Cas mumbled. The conversation felt forced, the kind of awkward exchange that happens when unwarranted intimacy occurs too early in a relationship, leaving Cas lost for anything to say that didn’t make him sound as weak and vulnerable as he had been last night. Cas was also confused by how unfazed the other boy was about the whole thing; he settled into the chair beside Cas’ bed like he belonged there.

“It’s all right. I was happy to do it.” his presence made Cas feel inexplicably conflicted, but he also found that he’d been craving company, and the boy’s smile was somewhat comforting. “I’m Uriel, by the way.” he held out his hand and Cas took it, grateful for the formality. He would have been very put off by an invitation for a hug.

Uriel turned out to be a smart guy, with a dry sense of humour and an oddly threatening charm. He managed to procure some lasagne from the cafeteria, once he had learned of Cas’ affiliation for it, and he lounged by Cas’ bed as they devoured it, making quips.

‘So,’ he paused to inhale some more food, ‘what’s your deal then? Why Chicago?’

Cas froze for a second, fork hovering next to his lips, thrown off by the change of direction the conversation had taken. ‘Um,’ he fought for some version of the truth that he was willing to provide. ‘My sister and I, we needed a change. Some...bad stuff happened before. What about your family?’

Uriel raised his eyebrow at the obvious effort to avoid the question, but let it slide, inspiring gratitude from Cas. ‘Dad’s a plumber, bit of a drunk, Mum’s great, I’ve got a couple of brothers...’

***

Hours later, Uriel was gone, and Cas’ mouth turned up at the corners, staring at the impossible truth- he had a number in his phone that wasn’t Anna’s or Gabriel’s.

A message flashed up from an unknown number, and Cas clicked on it after a moment’s deliberation.

**I’m sorry. Where are you? Please, Cas, I need you, and I know it’s crap to say that, but I do. Tell me where you are? –D x**

Castiel put his phone away, but not before typing a quick reply.

**no.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I planned to make this longer by including a 'real-time' scene as well, but a lot has come up so here you go. Also, I know it doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I will explain later, I promise.

_The paper lay crumpled in his hand, unread, but handled so frequently. He couldn't yet face the finality that would surely come with those words written there, for all the world to see. Yet, Castiel was Jimmy's world. It seemed, as he painstakingly dragged his eyes upwards to contemplate the cold stone, to once again read the empty words etched there, that he felt a painful nothing. It seemed that perhaps Castiel had truly lost the only home he would ever know._

' _ **James Novak**_

_**1997-2012** _

_**He walks with angels.'** _

_He hanged himself on a Thursday afternoon, during Castiel's session with the Home's counsellor. They fo_ und _nothing on the body except a note addressed to Castiel, and a pair of storm-swept wings attached to his lacerated back._

 _Everything happened pretty quickly after that_.

 _Psychiatric tests were required, as well as more sessions with the counsellor and an outside therapist. Castiel received long visits_ _from Gabe and Anna, which mostly consisted of conflicted silences and deeply suppressed, uncomfortable evaluations of his mental state. They kept newspapers and media away from him to prevent triggers. The process was too familiar, too well-tread, too poorly disguised. Castiel saw through the act, but winning the game is no fun when your partner in crime is gone._

 _Nothing that happened changed anything. He sometimes felt as though he was trapped at the bottom of a well, and above him swirled the inky black of nothing, and the fading colours of Jimmy and Castiel's own hearts._ , _After attempting to articulate that feeling, the 'rehabilitation course', as the officials called it, was extended._

_No-one was keen for Castiel to go there, to the resting place. Yet he simply wanted to even try to feel something, to just remember that most of his memories of happiness after the worst thing were caused by him, to grieve for a friend that was too far gone, but also to celebrate the man he was before he fell._

_So he opened the letter_.

' _Look, Castiel, I'm an angel. I'm going to protect you, to keep you safe and loved, by someone other than my hopeless empty shell. But Castiel, please, please don't blame yourself, don't leave yourself behind. I don't want my pain to be the reason you stumble, the reason you fall off the path we have worked so hard to cultivate. I'm seeing now. I see Heaven, and I see redemption, and one day I will wrap you in my wings and see my love reflected in your eyes. But not too soon, Castiel. Not too soon. You gave me everything worth having so don't let what happened in the end tarnish what we had. We had it all. We had it all.'_

_When most things shatter, it seems to be over quickly. But not Castiel. He shattered slowly, so that every break and twist caused fresh pain, and he shattered infinitely. It seemed only natural, when an old smirk lit up the shadows, as he skulked past the gravestones in Castiel's mind. There was that old friend he worked so hard to banish, seducing me back to something so torturous, but so achingly familiar that it seemed almost a comfort when he proposed it. Still, when he stepped willingly into a deadly embrace, he allowed only one thought._

_I'm so sorry, Jimmy._


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kudos, and a special shout-out to teamfreewillalwaysandforever. Thank you so much for the positive comments. Have a great week! :)

Staying away was safer.

After hospital discharge, Castiel didn't go back to school; after all, there was nothing for him there. His education had been so disrupted in the past anyway that he had basically taught himself for a while now, and the routine was familiar enough to stop him from folding in on himself. Uriel visited from time to time, and Gabriel made a promise to come see him as soon as he was able. It was functional, and for Castiel, functional was a goddam fairytale.

Of course, functional never lasted for very long. It was late November.

Castiel was embracing the once-crushing numbness as a familiarly pleasant emotion when He reappeared and instantly tore a hole in almost two years of torturously difficult therapy. The self-satisfied smirk was the same, always the same, playing with Castiel like he always had, and always will.

The doorbell rang, and He was gone.

It took all Castiel had to recover from the shock of that unexpected outcome to open the door in time. Of course, it was Dean Winchester at the door. Cas should have known.

He had never been more glad to see anyone in his life.

***

Hours later, when all had been forgiven and forgotten and replaced with new memories, Cas turned to face Dean and told himself that he had to stop being selfish. Before it went too far, before one of them did something stupid like sink into love like a freshly made bed, before giddy butterflies were replaced with something deadly; comfortable, uncomplicated love. Cas had to tell him everything and let him vaporise, or slip off into the night and out of existence, like so many of Cas' dreams before him.

"Dean?" Tentative, as always.

"Mmm, yeah Cas?" Dean mumbled comfortably.

"This is important."

"Ok."

"That's all you're going to say?" Cas bit his lip, and the air grew oppressive with his needless, frustrated doubt.

Dean turned to his Cas, flirtatious eyes somber, but encouraging. "I think you're the one that needs to do the talking."

"You don't want to be here." It was out. As far as Cas was concerned, any promise of love was over. Cas resigned himself to a last look at too-green eyes, fairytale eyes.

"Well clearly I do." Dean couldn't help the smirk. He didn't get it, and despite himself, something ugly boiled at the bottom of Cas' stomach.

"Dean, I'm serious, you should go before I screw you up."

"Cas-"

"I'm not stable."

"Cas, I'm here aren't I?" Yes, and here he was, in this perfect moment that Cas' brain was determined to destroy, but that his heart would keep forever. Here he was, but for how long?

"Not after what I'm going to say."

"There's nothing you could say, Cas. I like you, stable or not. Hell, I'm not exactly the picture of stability." Those words left a question, rooting between the boys' hearts, but Cas ignored it for the moment. He needed to make Dean listen.

"You don't want to-"

"Cas. I don't need your spiel, about how I should protect myself from your fucked-up life. Don't try and pull that, ok? I'm here." Dean's words were edged in restrained frustration, but they made Cas smile. Sure, he thought Dean was foolishly stubborn in that moment, but he knew that he cared. And knowing that Dean cared about him was like knowing that the sun only shone to keep you warm.

"12 years ago, my parents and elder brother were killed in a car crash. It was a hit-and-run; the other driver wasn't injured- he didn't stay." That was the easy part. The blunt facts that Dean could have read in a newspaper if he'd been so inclined. Cas could have left it there, but Dean- his unashamed, toothy grin, his unbreakable loyalty, his simple charm and unwavering morals- made Cas want to give him his trust, and his soul. So he took a deep breath: "But I see him. I barely remember what my own family looked like, but I see him. I used to see him everywhere, waiting for me, playing with me, upending my own reality around me until I didn't even know what was happening, and I could never just get him to leave!" Tears pricked Cas' eyes like tiny shards of glass, and his throat was caught with something wet and burning. Dean reached out to hold him and Cas shrugged him off, not embarrassed or guilty but somewhere in between. He didn't know I how long it took him to collect all of the pieces of himself that he needed to continue, but after an indeterminate amount of time he heard his own voice again. "A long time ago, I had...someone. Someone who was so important to me and we helped each other deal with a lot of shit, I guess. Three years ago, my help started not to matter, and two years ago, he killed himself to be an angel." His voice broke. One simple break, small and unassuming, but to Cas it represented a grief he had never allowed himself to feel. Some part of him waited for Dean's syrupy, fake sympathy to encase him, but it didn't come. Instead, Dean wrapped his strong hands around Cas' and gave him a small smile.

"Go on."

Those two words, like elixir. It made him stronger than he'd been for three years. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes I feel like I'm slipping back. Now that he's gone, and Gabriel's gone and I'm away from everything I used to know. I just don't know. I don't think or know or feel anymore, not really Dean. Not really."

Silence. Silence and the end of all things.

"I'm staying."

Or maybe not.

"Well then you must be crazier than me."

"Maybe."

"Maybe."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, one day late! I broke up from school today and now have a lot more time to devote to my boys, instead of to my exams, yay! Again, thank you to all of you for reading and I'm sorry its super-short, but I am planning to post again soon, not in my normal 2 weeks.

_I couldn't hide him for long. When you have another person holding your emotions ransom, eventually someone is going to notice. I told Anna, because that's what Jimmy would have wanted for me, or at least the Jimmy I knew. Again came the therapy, always with the therapy. Hadn't they noticed by now that Jimmy was the only one who could ever fix any of the problems I made in my own head?_

_He travelled with me all the time, but he was most active at night. He liked to play games, transforming himself not to crush anything I felt, but to give me false hope, to bring me up and force me to knock myself back down. Sweet, blissful torture was his favourite; he knew me better than anyone, he knew what worked._

_It was a rather large surprise when He went away again. I don't really know what I did. Anna and I moved to Chicago, and he seems to be gone, but I can't help but think that he's still playing a game._

_I had always loved his games._


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What did I tell you? Earlier than usual! I decided to write some fluff because I'm only human, and it's Christmas Eve! Merry Christmas to you all, and I'll see you in the New Year! (Maybe earlier)

Cas had always been afraid of anything new. When nothing in your life had ever really worked out for you, after a while you give up on 'new'. After a while, you give up on everything.

Yet there was something about this new kind of love that he felt when he looked at Dean; it was a love that made him crave more, instead of repress it like the sin-stained thing it had always been.

What he and Jimmy had had was the sick, twisted miracle of two boys with nothing giving each other everything they had. Dean's love didn't want him to give and didn't need to take; it just needed Cas. It was the kind of love that was pure, clean, simple.

All Cas had ever dreamed of was a simple life.

After he whispered those words in Dean's ear he received the seven words he knew would make him complete again.

"All I ever dreamed of was you."

 

***

Christmas Eve, Dean came for dinner.

Dean was the perfect boyfriend: polite, charming, complimentary. He helped with the washing up, he took seconds of Anna's pie, singing its praises. He laughed, he danced, he stole a kiss behind Anna's back. Cas was happy, and that was some Christmas magic in itself.

He couldn't help but notice that Anna's eyes never looked directly at Dean, that her mouth asked questions like something was wrong. Her fingers fluttered, nervous like butterflies, as if itching to grab the dishes and send Dean on his way.

But it was Christmas Eve, so Dean banished those feelings and swept Cas to the dance floor.

 _'All I want for Christmas is you'_ played on the stereo, but Cas' laugh was the far more beautiful sound.

 

***

In the middle of the night, Cas dragged himself from the security of Dean's embrace to get a glass water. Christmas morning, the world should have been silent but for the padding of his feet, yet there was another sound to be heard.

Anna was bent over the kitchen table, whole body wracked with pain. She clung to the phone like it was her last chance for life.

"Gabriel?" Her voice broke between sobs. "Gabe, its happening again. Cassy's doing it again."


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas! (Well in England anyway)  
> The response to Shadow Boy has been wonderful, so thank you to all, especially teamfreewillalwaysandforever, whose comments made me smile every time.  
> Really, thank you so much. :)

"Oh _Cas_ , you can't have not seen this coming."

Him. Of course it was Him, grinning on the bed, and of course Dean was gone. Although he'd never really been there at all.

"You love to play the games, Cas, you know you do. We've played this one before, yet you still fall for it." He snapped his fingers, and Cas' head imploded with pain, with memories repressed by some force greater than himself. By Him.

"Dean wasn't real." It was all Cas could think to say, and he hated himself for it.

"Dean was more real than this. This life you're inhabiting is a lie, Cas. I'm the only one who can show you the truth."

His hands held the knife, and Cas knows this knife. This knife has danced along every inch of his skin. Well, almost.

_'No, Castiel.' He whispered as Castiel moved to slit his wrists. 'We're saving the wrists. The wrists are for something special.'_

"The special time has come, Cas."

Cas' whole being wanted nothing more than to give in, to be done at last. Yet his mouth, his stupid said no.

He sighed. "Oh Cas, I'm not going to make you. Though, you might want to listen to an old friend."

"Castiel?"

 

***

Castiel had built so many walls, but here was Jimmy, his Jimmy, and within a flap of his angel's wings he was unwound.

"I've missed you, Castiel. Please, don't make me wait any longer."

It was all Castiel could do not to fall into Jimmy and never come away, but instead to reject, to spit poison words. "You're not my Jimmy. You couldn't be."

Jimmy took Castiel's heart in his hand and breathed in that attainable thing: peace. Just like that, Castiel was Jimmy's forevermore, but in truth he always had been.

This time it was Jimmy who held out the knife.

Castiel had only one answer.

 

***

_A bleak morning in early January, and Anna and Gabriel Milton stand together, yet so far apart. Cold grief trails across their souls like the snow that clings to their coats. In front of them, a tribute to their brother, a boy destined to lose the war that gripped his mind as soon as it had begun._

**_Castiel Milton_ **

**_1997-2014_ **

**_'He walks with angels.'_ **

**Author's Note:**

> The more I re-read this fic, the more I am repulsed by my younger self's insensitivity when handling extremely delicate topics. If this story angered or triggered you, I am sorry. I often contemplate re-writing this fic, but I know I'd just end up deleting it, and I know that although I may not like it, this fic allows me to see how far I have come. If you'd like to discuss Shadow Boy, please contact me or leave a comment.


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